[Under My Influence]

You have my heart,
you had it from the start,
you got love down to an art,
we must never be apart.

Surrounded by your charms,
safe in your arms,
you make me feel calm,
i'll cause you no harm.

You are the one,
all the wondering is gone,
all the waiting is done,
loneliness equals none.

I love you,
i hold your heart blue,
i will forever be with you,
me and you.

My smile is wider,
my head is lighter,
my heart skips a beat,
my hands keep the heat.

Want to live forever with you,
want to laugh forever with you,
the next line is true,
we will live on forever together - me and you.

My one,
my Sebbe,
my soulmate,
my baby.

Me and you.

Do we need to worry?
Should we be in a hurry?
One minute its there,
next it can be gone.

Everything you worked for feels taken away,
everyone you live for dosn't want you to go away,
all you can wish for is to stay,
wishing for just one more day.

Why do we worry over things that can't really hurt us,
why do we need something threatening our lives to wake us,
seems life can be a cruel joke,
full of tricks can leave us feeling broke.

All i can say,
live for today,
there seems to be no other way,
this could be marked as your last day.

Those dates are the best few i've ever had! <3

Sebbe came down again i met him at the station and we went straight out on la' booze :0p
Had such a good time!! :0)

Sunday was dying from a hangover but i don't regret a thing! Hahaa!

Monday was lovely, we went to the shops and stuff and snuggled watching tv in my room.

Tuesday i had my driving lesson in the morning, i stalled once! Woohoo! Was a pretty alright lesson :0)

Then later i had to take Seb to the train station.. boooo :0p

I also had a gift hiding from me that my beautfil guy had left for me in my room, under Apu :0p
The most gorgeous bracelet i've ever seen.<3

All in all, was a truly wonderful few days! <3

Nutshelled it pretty well, i think :0p

So long for now!

xxxxxx

I'm still in shock, i did not see this coming at all.

Like alot of people i grew up loving this man and i will til i die.

I DID NOT believe the child abuse allegations for a second and i still will not.

Apart from that i will always be saddened because i never got to see him in person but he will be forever in my memory and i'll never ever forget him and neither will the world for decades to come.<3

I'm just happy hes finally at peace.. well he will be once he is laid to rest.

Thankyou for all the years of entertainment and love you gave us, Michael.

The true idol.
xxxxxx

I thought i'd write a new entry, bit bored, gota headache ummm.. yeh!
Soooo.. things are going well in most areas, first time in a while, so i'm enjoying it!

Gota beautiful guy in my life who can offer me what i need without even having to ask! Go me! :0p Just hope i give him the same feeling.
Speaking of this beautiful guy, he's coming over on thursday to stay til saturday, woohoo! Been like 2 weeks since we first met in person, after a year of talking on the net! Still can't believe its happening, i'm soooo happy!!
So beware, there will be lots more pics going up! Yippee!!

Gone back on my med as i kinda feel i need it as a safety net cos i seem to be up n down still with my anxiety n stuff and just need a helping hand.

Gota driving lesson on friday, Seb is gona be a passenger , if my instructer will allow it. :0p

Listening to American Head Charge's Demos and Rare tunes, woooooo!!
There is feck all on tv, music been very active in my world as of late and i like it.

My hairs getting longerrrrr.. woohoo, finally get it in a single pony tail now! Just, but its all good! I could only get it in pony tails b4. :0)

Well, thats about it in my ever busy world! Hah! But fuck it, aye! I'm finally enjoying being alive for the first time in... ages! The last few weeks have been fantastic for me. :0)

xxxxxx

Finally.. such a relief,
washing away all of my grief,
i can feel it leaving me,
you are here, you were always here, for that whole year.. and finally it's setting me free.

No words can express,
how i could'nt of felt any less,
til you finally let me know,
un-blind my eyes.. now i can see a tomorrow.

I was'nt looking and you found me,
i was'nt wanting and you helped me see,
it was you, your patience, your grace,
reminding me i only ever want to see your face.

I'm smiling again,
no more pain,
wishing for you,
finally came true.

Gosh, where do i start! Well today is a new beginning and i'm VERY happy about it. After a year of knowing someone who has the ability to make me laugh like no other and understands me without really having to be told.. someone who loves Seinfeld and Curb Your Enthusiasm..someone who has always been there but i never realised it was a possible reality.. just most amazing, beautiful person i know, i finally can say.. hes my wife noww, hahah!

Sebbe is the most beautiful person i could wish to meet and i have, someone has sent him in my direction and i aint sending him back, hehe!

Had such a nice day today!
Met, hugged for ages cos i was scared hahha! Went for a few drinks ;0) sat about and just genrally had a laugh and enjoyed eachothers company... in the real world.. aswell as online.. its a rareity in my books!

He seems to have a lot of 'favourite songs' :0p.. haha... every song that came on, all i'd hear was... this is my fav song.. no this one is...this one defo is! (the new kids on the block, haha) ofcourse he was kidding! :0)

I did'nt wana leave him todayyyy... neither did he, leave me that is.. haha!

To new beginnings ! Wooo! :0)

xxxxxx

Write it out,
write it away,
so i can store it away for another day.

Don't want to feel for a day.

Everyone else - smiles, laughing,
me and the rest - sadness, tears,
this is how it may seem,
but everyone has their own screen.

Can't sleep when i want to,
don't want to sleep when i can,
when you're here it's better to stay awake,
makes me not want a new plan.

Stay this way forever instead.

Weird i'm defo learnin feelin bad dos'nt mean everythin is actually bad, if that makes sense.. and it also dos'nt make you wrong or that you should be smiling instead cos 'life is too short' cos too much of that thinking is bullshit, we're human and we should embrace the bad stuff too.
:0)

I've realised i hav'nt really got any proper friends - who i see.. or atleast, i'm terrified of people.. i'm starting to resent being with people yet i hate being on my own, i don't trust anyone.

Some people say they can't 'read' me.. maybe thats because i don't want them to, or atleast the people who do say that to me, i DO NOT actually want them to.

People who i get close to (potential bf's if you will) seem to make me really resentful in the end and i'm not sure why.
I'm in a very odd place.. where i just dont feel comfy or happy with anything.

My sleep has gone completely shit again.

You found it funny,
i did'nt,
you did'nt think i knew,
but i knew it,
you were laughing,
as i was secretly crying,
but you did'nt know it.

I hate you all for doing this,
i hate myself for letting you,
i never did anything to deserve it,
trusting people since is so hard to do.

Forever messed up,
forever on guard,
thankyou all so much,
for making my time so hard.

I'll never understand why,
i have no time for people who treat me like shit,
so throwing you all out of my life,
really was the best thing i ever did.

That night was a saturday and i was going to notts for drinks! Woo!
Met the lovely as ever Martyn annnddd his mate John! (waves)

Went to the Old Angel first, well i got there on my own and i'm scared of going in places alone especially if there is a chance i'll know someone and in there, there is, hehe, anxiety shit, but either way i did it, woohoo!!
Then to the Pit n Pendulum where Pirates of the Carribbean was on the tv, hehe!
Then to the Orange Tree for cocktails!! Yippee!! (murder sceneeeeee :0p )
After that ventured to Rock City.. i remember most of it, the floor was mega sticky as usual, haha!
After we went to Martyns house for abit, i got home about 4-5am. Hahaha!

All in all i enjoyed myself, got verrrrry drunk! Got abit emo cos i was so drunk but it passed. Suffered immensly yesterday though! :0p

I hope to do it all again soon! But without the emo part and the hangover!

:0p

xxxxxx

I like you, you like me,
know you well but unfortunatly, i'm not ready,
but one day you know i will be,
so i hope til then you'll still wait for me.

Safety is what i feel,
happy is my mood,
accepted is my mind,
one day officially we will be glued.

Surprised i was to hear you say,
that you hope to be mine one day,
and if i may so boldly say,
i'd love to have you in my life that way.

I really love these days,
when everything all seems ok,
my heart and mind seem more at rest,
and everything dos'nt seem as grey.

I don't want to lose a friendship with you,
just as weird as it sounds now, i need the distance long,
time to find myself again, who i am,
so i can figure out where i belong.

I hate those days where it stalks my mind,
feels like someones trying to make me pay,
but right now it all seems so far away,
seeing you dos'nt seem to hurt half as much as yesterday.

Damn my fucking eyes,
damn my fucking hands,
damn the ability to think,
damn the memories,
damn the time,
damn them,
damn wishes,
damn fate,
damn love,
damn sex,
damn kisses,
damn touch,
damn hurt,
damn me,
and most of all DAMN YOU!!!!

NUMB ME AND MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!

I feel stuck, i know i have to let go but for some reason i feel i can't buti have to.
I can't work out what it is.
Its still raw i guess, hurts like a bitch. I wish i could just be but there always seems to be something.

Being single seems to be the best thing for me cos i can't handle anything more cos i hate myself so much.. so there is no way i can let anyone else love me.. and i keep proving this fact to myself over and over again.

I can't seem to feel happy either way though. So tired. So fucking whiney. I duno. I'm just as sick of writing entries like this as you are probably reading them.. you should be in my head.. its 100x worse.

I feel i will be ok but each day i feel that little bit more drained. Seems to be more pointless the further i get, heh.

Just wanna be numb and not feel a thing for once.

I have faith this will fade,
my heart will no longer form this spade,
drained of everything i can possibly give,
is it meant to hurt having someone to be with?

If so, i'd rather be on my own til it stops,
til i can love myself, i can't let you,
noone can come in.. not even you.
I'd like you to step inside and prove me wrong but i'm afraid i'll still be singing the same old song.

I just fall apart at the thought of letting someone be with me,
i somehow change, i turn into.. not me anymore.
Even i don't want to be with me, i have no choice,
i just can't shut off that tormenting voice.

Tired of being hurt and possibly hurting you,
and this is truly why i have to go,
to just run and be safe and hurt alone,
neither way seems easier, atleast it dos'nt from what i've known.

One day i'll let someone in, i think,
seems worse these days to want to try,
does anyone else feel this way?
if so.. please SAY!!

There has to be more.

Press it, press it, look,
why do i feel the need to do this!?
All it does is hurt to see it!
its not you i want to miss!

To just have one quick look,
just to see,
what am i missing.. i don't get it,
why does it even matter to me?!

Fucking emotions flooding my head,
drowning my eyes,
just seeing your name there,
makes me want to cry.

I WISH THIS NEVER HAPPENED.. NOT AGAIN!!

I know we were a lost cause,
i know we would'nt/could'nt be
so why does this still hurt,
why do you still haunt me.

I don't want to miss you anymore!
Why do i fucking still miss you!?
Just leave my memory like i had to!
Just when i think im getting through.. i remember you.

Today i set my sights on birmingham!
Met a man by the name of Jamie... :0p

After he was LATE *points* :0p we strolled to the bullring for a coffee, yumm!
Ventured round some shops, went for a pint.. looked at some books and went on the worlds funniest quick drop elevator in waterstones! lol.. cheered me right up as i hit a slump, boo!
Saw Kerrang! headquarters! :0)

Looked at some guitars! Found a Hello Kitty one!!!
Aint she beautiful! Hehe!


OOohh we noticed Fightstar were playin the academy tonight as we strolled on past it, damn we missed it! lol...

Ended up in Scruffy Murphys which was awesome! Had a couple of drinks whilst watching people try to open the wrong side of the door.. some managed to do it twice... entering and leaving.. some within seconds of entering hahaha! Yes i also managed to do it on entering but i learnt fast! Unlike some others..lol!

Walked on back to the train station with 2 more cheeseburgers (i had 2 earlier too, oops!) .. kinda walked looking up for ages as we were looking at a massive circular building of flats trying to get peoples attention in them hehehe...

Whilst awaiting the train we decided it would be funny to recored and laugh at the auto-announcer telling us a 'cross country!' train was in.. his voice went higher as he said cross country so we decided he must like that type of train hehe... yeh boredom/tiredness is a funny thing!

Ohh and 'shes' got a new hat! Haahaha!

Got back home.. dead lol... nah im in bed really, night!

xxxxxx