[Under My Influence]

Happy Xmas!

Thu, 24 Dec 2009 19:47:58 GMT

Just wishing everyone a happy xmas 2009!
xxxxxx

Paranoia?

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 02:20:03 GMT

To keep them to myself, i can't,
it won't let me keep them,
when i think i have a grip on it,
it all comes back again.

I want to change, i have to change,
i hate making you feel so bad,
you don't deserve to feel that way,
so why do i make us both feel sad?

I wish i could understand it,
i want to understand it,
one day i will understand it,
then finally i shall conquer it.

I know that you love me,
that thought never really leaves me,
but stupid worries come along,
and try to steal it from me.. please forgive me.

This isn't a pity poem,
don't feel sorry for me,
this is actually a love poem full of hope,
wrote for you and me.
<3

Joyful :0)

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 10:59:46 GMT

For some reason today i feel great! I felt sooooooo ill yesterday, couldn't keep my eyes open n just wanted to sleep and felt soooo depressed.. been feeling really awful for the past week or so actually.. but anyway, after my 5 hour kip, i awoke feeling great and its carried on through to today! Or maybe this is abit of mania? Haha! :0p

So, either way i'm embracing it :0)

Extra update.

Fri, 16 Oct 2009 19:44:44 GMT

Decided to write a happier entry as yesterday i wasn't too happy :0p
I didn't mention Kenny in the last one! He has a slight obsession with rolling in poo lol.. well, more an interest :0p
Hes still as crazy as ever :0)

I'm just watching tv at the moment.. as usual :0)
Sleep is still screwed up, proper nocturnal now :0p

Ah, my beautiful Sebbe just walked in the room, nice grin! hehe! :0)

Annnddd chinese is here so i must love n leave you all :0p

Ta!

x

Update.

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 22:06:08 GMT

Been a while so i thought i'd update.. (5 mins actually passed since i wrote that part).. can't think of what to put.. ok, been at Sebs quite abit.. if i remember rightly the last time i updated was around my birthday.

Ok, so.. been at Sebs.. i'm here now actually. Been going pretty good so far, facing some of my demons.. dosn't always seem to come out right though, heh.
By demons i mean i'm insecure, untrusting and paranoid.. i'm trying so hard to let them out more than bottling them in, letting them out, i mean, in a good way.. well, as best as i can do anyway.. its hard and feels embarrasing.. feel like i'm the only one who feels this way.. i do realise that can't actually be true though.
My sleep is completely upside down aswell. Getting it slowly sorted though.
Little rant there :0p

Apart from the hard parts everything seems to be ok.
Wasn't much of an update really.. more of a moan, hehe.

Anyway, Curb Your Enthusiasm has just started so i will bid you all, good day. :0)

August 09.

Sat, 22 Aug 2009 14:56:06 GMT

Well, the first couple of weeks i was at Sebs which was brilliant :0)
I miss being there with Seb and Kenny :0p I miss the morning snuggles with Kenny, not used to having a big dog around me so seeing Kenshin was soooo nice :0)

Since i've been home, it hit me pretty hard that reallity had to somehow re-join me, so reluctently i met it half way :0p
I began doing my driving lessons again afters a months break, wasn't as hard as i thought it would be, amazingly i wasn't dreading it!
After a long thought though i've decided to break it down to every two weeks cos it seems to be overwhelming my mind abit as i now have to practice my theory and i'm having trouble coping with it all.

Re-streaked my hair pink, ummm you know, i think thats about it! :0p

Oooh its my birthday soon, 31, whoa! Seems more of a thing than turning 30 did for some reason! Think its cos i'll be officially in my 30s now! :0p
I dunno what i want for my b'day, well one thing i want is happening, Seb is coming down for it then i'm going to his for a couple of weeks :0), yippee!!
I have decided i want an Xbox 360 but i don't expect anyone to buy me that, haha, i'll have to save up. Just so i can be connected to the world still and have something else to do in my room when i'm not on the laptop :0p

Still on my med, i had a 3 week break from it which was abit silly, but now i'm back on it so all should be well.

Starting to enjoy living abit more than i did a few months ago.. well a few years actually! :0p
Back in march/april/may this year was my lowest i've been in a while i think, i never want to be that way again although i may if stuff goes that wrong again, heh.

I'm on the waiting list at my docs for councelling, i did do it back in 05 but i wasn't ready so i gave it up. But since doing CBT i defo want to carry it on, so yeh, back a'waiting so i can go sort out my mind. :0)

My hair is growing at a pretty good rate aswell! Woohoo!

So yeh, another blog from meeeee
:0p

Hope everyone else is well!

Taa!

xxxxxx

A quick look inside.

Mon, 17 Aug 2009 00:37:27 GMT

I've kinda brought to my own attention that i'm very awkward, heh, my mind runs away with me in certain situations.. i seem to think things should be perfect even though i know they really can't be. I have it in my head everyone is out to get me and hurt me.
I have trouble in relationships cos of this.
Makes them think i don't trust in them and stuff, makes it all very hard. :0(
Makes me wanna just hide myself so i can't be in line to be hurt. Sounds shit but thats it in black in white.

I don't feel like a very strong person, emotionally. I find it very hard to express the torment even though to some in the net world, its all i seem to do.

I feel one day i'm all kind of sorted with what i want and the next day i feel i havn't decided anything. Like, i live on impulse, kinda worries me.
Part of me thinks it could be to do with my OCD.

Until the day i like myself and believe in myself alot more is probably gona be the day i'm about to kick the bucket. Typical. :0p

Anyway, i'm mainly just unloading, i feel very 'blocked' in my head.

Quick blog.

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 19:54:01 GMT

Random blog time, i'm bored.

Umm still blissfully happy with my Sebyola ;0)
Seeing him again in 11 days! :0D
Can't wait.. :0)
I miss him!

Before all that i'm going docs to sort out my med and stuff and to ask about my jaw as it cracks alot, been doing it since i was about 5 but i've always been curious about it and now its actually starting to bug me abit, it aches and it makes my head ache. :0(

As of saturday i'll be on holidayyy, woohoo! Can't wait to go on the beeacchhhhh.. gona be so nice.
Seb is joining us for the second week too! :0)
Gona be a good few weeks.

Anywho thats about it really.

Ta!
x

For Sebbe - by me.

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 16:07:46 GMT

You have my heart,
you had it from the start,
you got love down to an art,
we must never be apart.

Surrounded by your charms,
safe in your arms,
you make me feel calm,
i'll cause you no harm.

You are the one,
all the wondering is gone,
all the waiting is done,
loneliness equals none.

Me and you - by me.

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 02:30:51 GMT

I love you,
i hold your heart blue,
i will forever be with you,
me and you.

My smile is wider,
my head is lighter,
my heart skips a beat,
my hands keep the heat.

Want to live forever with you,
want to laugh forever with you,
the next line is true,
we will live on forever together - me and you.

My one,
my Sebbe,
my soulmate,
my baby.

Me and you.

Marked - by me.

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 01:52:37 GMT

Do we need to worry?
Should we be in a hurry?
One minute its there,
next it can be gone.

Everything you worked for feels taken away,
everyone you live for dosn't want you to go away,
all you can wish for is to stay,
wishing for just one more day.

Why do we worry over things that can't really hurt us,
why do we need something threatening our lives to wake us,
seems life can be a cruel joke,
full of tricks can leave us feeling broke.

All i can say,
live for today,
there seems to be no other way,
this could be marked as your last day.

4th july - 7th <3

Wed, 08 Jul 2009 13:48:03 GMT

Those dates are the best few i've ever had! <3

Sebbe came down again i met him at the station and we went straight out on la' booze :0p
Had such a good time!! :0)

Sunday was dying from a hangover but i don't regret a thing! Hahaa!

Monday was lovely, we went to the shops and stuff and snuggled watching tv in my room.

Tuesday i had my driving lesson in the morning, i stalled once! Woohoo! Was a pretty alright lesson :0)

Then later i had to take Seb to the train station.. boooo :0p

I also had a gift hiding from me that my beautiful guy had left for me in my room, under Apu :0p
The most gorgeous bracelet i've ever seen.<3

All in all, was a truly wonderful few days! <3

Nutshelled it went pretty well, i think :0p

So long for now!

xxxxxx

Michael Jackson.RIP.

Fri, 26 Jun 2009 13:36:56 GMT

I'm still in shock, i did not see this coming at all.

Like alot of people i grew up loving this man and i will til i die.

I DID NOT believe the child abuse allegations for a second and i still will not.

Apart from that i will always be saddened because i never got to see him in person but he will be forever in my memory and i'll never ever forget him and neither will the world for decades to come.<3

I'm just happy hes finally at peace.. well he will be once he is laid to rest.

Thankyou for all the years of entertainment and love you gave us, Michael.

The true idol.
xxxxxx

Update in the life o' Miffs!

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 21:31:52 GMT

I thought i'd write a new entry, bit bored, gota headache ummm.. yeh!
Soooo.. things are going well in most areas, first time in a while, so i'm enjoying it!

Gota beautiful guy in my life who can offer me what i need without even having to ask! Go me! :0p Just hope i give him the same feeling.
Speaking of this beautiful guy, he's coming over on thursday to stay til saturday, woohoo! Been like 2 weeks since we first met in person, after a year of talking on the net! Still can't believe its happening, i'm soooo happy!!
So beware, there will be lots more pics going up! Yippee!!

Gone back on my med as i kinda feel i need it as a safety net cos i seem to be up n down still with my anxiety n stuff and just need a helping hand.

Gota driving lesson on friday, Seb is gona be a passenger , if my instructer will allow it. :0p

Listening to American Head Charge's Demos and Rare tunes, woooooo!!
There is feck all on tv, music been very active in my world as of late and i like it.

My hairs getting longerrrrr.. woohoo, finally get it in a single pony tail now! Just, but its all good! I could only get it in pony tails b4. :0)

Well, thats about it in my ever busy world! Hah! But fuck it, aye! I'm finally enjoying being alive for the first time in... ages! The last few weeks have been fantastic for me. :0)

xxxxxx

Finally - by me.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 14:17:06 GMT

Finally.. such a relief,
washing away all of my grief,
i can feel it leaving me,
you are here, you were always here, for that whole year.. and finally it's setting me free.

No words can express,
how i could'nt of felt any less,
til you finally let me know,
un-blind my eyes.. now i can see a tomorrow.

I was'nt looking and you found me,
i was'nt wanting and you helped me see,
it was you, your patience, your grace,
reminding me i only ever want to see your face.

I'm smiling again,
no more pain,
wishing for you,
finally came true.

3 am - by me.

Wed, 20 May 2009 02:36:37 GMT

Write it out,
write it away,
so i can store it away for another day.

Don't want to feel for a day.

Everyone else - smiles, laughing,
me and the rest - sadness, tears,
this is how it may seem,
but everyone has their own screen.

Can't sleep when i want to,
don't want to sleep when i can,
when you're here it's better to stay awake,
makes me not want a new plan.

Stay this way forever instead.

My thought for the day.

Wed, 13 May 2009 15:41:23 GMT

Weird i'm defo learnin feelin bad dos'nt mean everythin is actually bad, if that makes sense.. and it also dos'nt make you wrong or that you should be smiling instead cos 'life is too short' cos too much of that thinking is bullshit, we're human and we should embrace the bad stuff too.
:0)

Update.

Sun, 10 May 2009 22:30:47 GMT

I've realised i hav'nt really got any proper friends - who i see.. or atleast, i'm terrified of people.. i'm starting to resent being with people yet i hate being on my own, i don't trust anyone.

Some people say they can't 'read' me.. maybe thats because i don't want them to, or atleast the people who do say that to me, i DO NOT actually want them to.

People who i get close to (potential bf's if you will) seem to make me really resentful in the end and i'm not sure why.
I'm in a very odd place.. where i just dont feel comfy or happy with anything.

My sleep has gone completely shit again.

Never - by me.

Tue, 05 May 2009 13:03:01 GMT

You found it funny,
i did'nt,
you did'nt think i knew,
but i knew it,
you were laughing,
as i was secretly crying,
but you did'nt know it.

I hate you all for doing this,
i hate myself for letting you,
i never did anything to deserve it,
trusting people since is so hard to do.

Forever messed up,
forever on guard,
thankyou all so much,
for making my time so hard.

I'll never understand why,
i have no time for people who treat me like shit,
so throwing you all out of my life,
really was the best thing i ever did.

Night of the 2 may 09!

Mon, 04 May 2009 13:40:54 GMT

That night was a saturday and i was going to notts for drinks! Woo!
Met the lovely as ever Martyn annnddd his mate John! (waves)

Went to the Old Angel first, well i got there on my own and i'm scared of going in places alone especially if there is a chance i'll know someone and in there, there is, hehe, anxiety shit, but either way i did it, woohoo!!
Then to the Pit n Pendulum where Pirates of the Carribbean was on the tv, hehe!
Then to the Orange Tree for cocktails!! Yippee!! (murder sceneeeeee :0p )
After that ventured to Rock City.. i remember most of it, the floor was mega sticky as usual, haha!
After we went to Martyns house for abit, i got home about 4-5am. Hahaha!

All in all i enjoyed myself, got verrrrry drunk! Got abit emo cos i was so drunk but it passed. Suffered immensly yesterday though! :0p

I hope to do it all again soon! But without the emo part and the hangover!

:0p

xxxxxx

One day - by me.

Mon, 04 May 2009 01:03:13 GMT

I like you, you like me,
know you well but unfortunatly, i'm not ready,
but one day you know i will be,
so i hope til then you'll still wait for me.

Safety is what i feel,
happy is my mood,
accepted is my mind,
one day officially we will be glued.

Surprised i was to hear you say,
that you hope to be mine one day,
and if i may so boldly say,
i'd love to have you in my life that way.

Ease - by me.

Sat, 02 May 2009 13:11:32 GMT

I really love these days,
when everything all seems ok,
my heart and mind seem more at rest,
and everything dos'nt seem as grey.

I don't want to lose a friendship with you,
just as weird as it sounds now, i need the distance long,
time to find myself again, who i am,
so i can figure out where i belong.

I hate those days where it stalks my mind,
feels like someones trying to make me pay,
but right now it all seems so far away,
seeing you dos'nt seem to hurt half as much as yesterday.

Damn! by me.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 19:09:15 GMT

Damn my fucking eyes,
damn my fucking hands,
damn the ability to think,
damn the memories,
damn the time,
damn them,
damn wishes,
damn fate,
damn love,
damn sex,
damn kisses,
damn touch,
damn hurt,
damn me,
and most of all DAMN YOU!!!!

NUMB ME AND MAKE IT GO AWAY!!!!!!

Another joyful entry.

Thu, 30 Apr 2009 15:14:23 GMT

I feel stuck, i know i have to let go but for some reason i feel i can't buti have to.
I can't work out what it is.
Its still raw i guess, hurts like a bitch. I wish i could just be but there always seems to be something.

Being single seems to be the best thing for me cos i can't handle anything more cos i hate myself so much.. so there is no way i can let anyone else love me.. and i keep proving this fact to myself over and over again.

I can't seem to feel happy either way though. So tired. So fucking whiney. I duno. I'm just as sick of writing entries like this as you are probably reading them.. you should be in my head.. its 100x worse.

I feel i will be ok but each day i feel that little bit more drained. Seems to be more pointless the further i get, heh.

Just wanna be numb and not feel a thing for once.

Has to be more - by me.

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 21:29:46 GMT

I have faith this will fade,
my heart will no longer form this spade,
drained of everything i can possibly give,
is it meant to hurt having someone to be with?

If so, i'd rather be on my own til it stops,
til i can love myself, i can't let you,
noone can come in.. not even you.
I'd like you to step inside and prove me wrong but i'm afraid i'll still be singing the same old song.

I just fall apart at the thought of letting someone be with me,
i somehow change, i turn into.. not me anymore.
Even i don't want to be with me, i have no choice,
i just can't shut off that tormenting voice.

Tired of being hurt and possibly hurting you,
and this is truly why i have to go,
to just run and be safe and hurt alone,
neither way seems easier, atleast it dos'nt from what i've known.

One day i'll let someone in, i think,
seems worse these days to want to try,
does anyone else feel this way?
if so.. please SAY!!

There has to be more.